Anger Management

I need some. I was told over and over that I couldn't hold onto anger because it would just eat me up inside. Repeatedly I was told that I couldn't hold onto pain and hate for the same reasons. I don't want to hold onto them any longer. But I think they are holding onto me. I lay me down to sleep at night, and despite exhaustion, the angry thoughts fly through my mind. The hurt emotions filter through my heart. I don't ask them to come onto me. I don't seek to have them keeping me awake when I so much just want to sleep. I am tired. So very tired from not sleeping well. So very tired from carrying these heavy burdensome emotions. As a child with siblings (plural), I was the quiet one. The thoughtful one. The one who was so calm natured it seemed it would take something huge to make me angry. This stayed with me into adult hood. Though there were times I could get angry, and display outbursts of anger.

It wasn't something which dominated with me. It was something that did not rule me. People saw me as a very rational person. Perhaps last year I did not grieve enough for the loss I experienced. Perhaps I have lost perspective. I can't know this for sure at this time. But to think that there are so many who owe me an apology, I do find myself questioning me. Why do I think they owe me an apology? Did they truly do something wrong or did I do something wrong or was the entire situation just fucked up? I do know this. An apology would make a world of difference. I know it because not long ago I received a sincere apology for something that happened almost 20 years ago, and it made a huge difference to me.

Knowing how much difference an apology would make kind of makes it bitter that I know there will be no apologies from those I truly feel owe me an apology. They have so many excuses and so many justifications and refuse consistently to ever think they did anything wrong in any way shape or form. I don't know what to do about these hurt emotions. I don't know what to do about the anger that comes with those hurt emotions. I just know that they won't go away, and I have no idea how to just "let them go". I don't want them anymore. I guess it is time to try something different and hope for a better result. I want to go back to be calm natured. I want to go back to being the quiet and thoughtful one. I want to be me again.

My Forbidden Desire

Book Review: My Forbidden Desire by Carolyn Jewel. Genre: Paranormal Romance. Description: Alexandrine Marit is a witch in mortal danger. An evil mage craves the mysterious talisman that power her magic, and the only person who can keep her alive is a dangerous dark fiend named Xia. With his fierce hate toward witches, he's hardly the best bodyguard. Yet as days turn into nights, she can't deny the white-hot passion between them. Desire and Temptation... Xia hates witches. They enslave and ruthless kill his kind. But he's been told to protect Alexandrine, who, to his surprise, has a spirit he admires and a body he longs to possess. With the mage and his abettor closing in, Alexandrine and her guardian must trust the passion that can unite them or risk to lose everything to the enemies who can destroy them both.

My Review: Meh. I really don't have any big complaints or compliments for this book. I kind of wish I could just simply state my feelings in one sentence and be done. I even had trouble coming up with a couple lines for my Goodreads reviews (which I like to keep short and sweet). I'll try to say one thing I like and one I didn't. Well, overall, the book was not really outstanding. I felt like I could be reading any mediocre book by any sub-par writer. I just wasn't blown away. What attracted me to the book (besides receiving free of charge the book) was the story. I can always appreciate a love story that starts with some intense dislike going on. However, I kind of like more stuggle when a character admits attarction to someone they thought they couldn't ever like, even a tiny bit.

Xia immediately admits he thinks Alexandrine is hot and he wants some of that...oh!, but he hates her. Sure. I think I didn't like how quickly Xia got over his hatred a person he associated with the worst period of his life, someone he wanted to kill. What I really didn't love about the book was the progression between the two characters, I am pretty sure the two mains "fell in love" within three days. I like myself some unrealistic romance, but not that far out. I really can't wrap my head around it. I never really grew to like or care about the poor, poor and oh so sad main characters. Bad stuff happened to them and then we're supposed to feel sorry for them, or something. I would recommend this book to PNR addicts. Or fans of the author. I would suggest getting this from the library (or used) if you really, really want to read this.