I need some. I was told over and over that I couldn't hold onto anger because it would just eat me up inside. Repeatedly I was told that I couldn't hold onto pain and hate for the same reasons. I don't want to hold onto them any longer. But I think they are holding onto me. I lay me down to sleep at night, and despite exhaustion, the angry thoughts fly through my mind. The hurt emotions filter through my heart. I don't ask them to come onto me. I don't seek to have them keeping me awake when I so much just want to sleep. I am tired. So very tired from not sleeping well. So very tired from carrying these heavy burdensome emotions. As a child with siblings (plural), I was the quiet one. The thoughtful one. The one who was so calm natured it seemed it would take something huge to make me angry. This stayed with me into adult hood. Though there were times I could get angry, and display outbursts of anger.
It wasn't something which dominated with me. It was something that did not rule me. People saw me as a very rational person. Perhaps last year I did not grieve enough for the loss I experienced. Perhaps I have lost perspective. I can't know this for sure at this time. But to think that there are so many who owe me an apology, I do find myself questioning me. Why do I think they owe me an apology? Did they truly do something wrong or did I do something wrong or was the entire situation just fucked up? I do know this. An apology would make a world of difference. I know it because not long ago I received a sincere apology for something that happened almost 20 years ago, and it made a huge difference to me.
Knowing how much difference an apology would make kind of makes it bitter that I know there will be no apologies from those I truly feel owe me an apology. They have so many excuses and so many justifications and refuse consistently to ever think they did anything wrong in any way shape or form. I don't know what to do about these hurt emotions. I don't know what to do about the anger that comes with those hurt emotions. I just know that they won't go away, and I have no idea how to just "let them go". I don't want them anymore. I guess it is time to try something different and hope for a better result. I want to go back to be calm natured. I want to go back to being the quiet and thoughtful one. I want to be me again.